Adult Asperger’s Video 13. Living in a Bubble – Living with Asperger’s Forming Relationships (Part 1)Adult Asperger’s
My name’s Anthony King and welcome back to my video series about mild autism spectrum disorder in adults based on my book “Living in a Bubble”. Let’s continue from where we left off in our last video together…
Living with Asperger’s Forming Relationships
Many on the spectrum are perceived as loners by choice and live in a solitary almost monastic way. Even though this might be the case for some, for many this is not the case. It’s pretty obvious that to interact successfully with people we need to have been trained and taught appropriately through upbringing and in addition have the ability to learn. The challenge is that, in addition to perception and communication problems, people on the spectrum often miss out on this because they are too busy prioritising survival. Many times, also being subjected to bullying, rejection and ridicule. Already finding it challenging to understand what others think or feel they are significantly disadvantaged, often, by adulthood they can be traumatised by past experiences and mistakes, challenged with understanding and communicating affection and love which can cause major problems later with finding a partner and achieving a long-term successful relationship. People on the spectrum might also have issues with expressing emotions and understanding what love is and how to experience and express it. However, Plato himself said that “Love is a serious mental disease”, so it might be the case that none of us understand love but that people on the spectrum have a challenge doing the things that people expect of them. It can be confusing for most people but a gigantic mountain to climb for autistic people. Typical and obvious displays of affection are not obvious to many with autism which means that this can cause friction in a relationship and confusion. A hug might be perceived as a threat when it is in fact a display of affection and love to a person with ASD. The instinctive reaction to that gesture might be perceived as a rejection or an insult by the partner leading to more confusion and bewilderment, when it is nothing of the sort. In addition to this, if a person hasn’t practised how to act or been taught how to be in a relationship they may turn to Hollywood or television and copy that leading to calamitous results!
Development and escalation of relationships
Understanding and interpreting the subtle cues and flirting involved in a partner wanting to change the stage of relationship (say from dating to serious romantic relationship/partner) are often skills that are not intuitive for people with ASD. This can be extremely confusing and frustrating for both parties and seen as a sign of rejection when it is nothing of the sort. The irony is that they might take this as rejection when it’s actually extreme consideration for them in a confusing situation. One of the difficulties for people on the spectrum is that it can be tough for us to interpret someone’s intentions, so they often would need to be direct to make a point, otherwise it might get lost, ironically in politeness. The individual on the spectrum might really want that affection and want to know that a lover feels that way but they can’t see it and it “goes over their head”. We often can’t always read romantic signals that are “blatant” but still not direct, in your mind. Another consideration is that we are often not as experienced in relationships and take a longer time to learn things as we’ve probably started being concerned about relationships and romance later than many others.
Recuperating
After dates and social interaction somebody on the spectrum can feel exhausted by having to try and understand and interpret body language and all without the usual social skills. However, this doesn’t mean that they don’t want to go out or date, it just means that they might need certain environments to flourish better, or with certain types of people and then have recuperation time afterwards. way, then, or later!
Expressing Love
People on the spectrum might be considered bad at expressing love and affection. I would add that this is in the CONVENTIONAL way. We often express it in other ways too and if we learn what we must do, or are simply asked, we can do the other things too. I understand that many on the spectrum are not so good at expressing what is on the inside and can shut down at important moments when our partners need feedback or an emotional reaction. This must be tough for them if they aren’t educated in what to do or have an understanding of autism and the behaviour of people on the spectrum.
Great in relationships too
People on the spectrum are often not involved in manipulation, are loyal, are honest and this can even help in a work environment and not just romantic relationships. A pioneering company in Denmark gave people with autism a chance to apply their skills to jobs from IT to product testing, reported a UK newspaper with the headline: “Better, faster… and no office politics: the company with the autistic specialists”. Office politics and cheating are not behaviours often attributed to those on the spectrum. If they are in a relationship with you, you can probably feel secure in the fact that the amount of energy and effort it might take to meet somebody else to even be in a position to cheat would probably not be anywhere near worth the stress and hassle!
Being perceived as aloof and standoffish
Many people on the spectrum are perceived as aloof and standoffish, initially at least. If I got a dollar for every time I have been told, in my life, “At first I thought you were rude but you’re actually really nice” I would be a billionaire for sure! This has happened all my life. I certainly must look a certain way because I am perceived in a way which is very different to my real personality.
Social imagination
“Social imagination” is the idea that we can imagine and “predict” what others are often thinking and the way that they will or may behave in a certain situation or to certain stimuli (i.e. words and actions). Another way of thinking about this is the idea of “flexible thinking”. People on the spectrum often have a strict routine or set of behaviours. They may walk a certain route home. They might find changes to this challenging. The unfamiliarity can course distress. Consequently, this may affect the ability to predict a certain usual comfortable outcome which is usually expected and thus cause problems. This difficulty in predicting accurately what might happen when a factor or factors, people, circumstances or situations change can cause what is often perceived as “aloofness” or “standoffishness”. Social imagination, understanding challenges might mean that people on the spectrum may find it hard to:
1. Cope with meeting new people or in new unfamiliar habitats and surroundings.
2. Have challenges putting themselves in other people’s shoes, at times and imagining the world from someone else’s perspective.
3. Might find it challenging to work out that other people may have different thoughts, feelings and perspectives to theirs.
4. Find it hard to interpret others thoughts, feelings, actions, intentions and motivations.
5. Predict outcomes that others see as “obvious” or inevitable.
6. Prepare for change and various alternative outcomes.
Consequently, all of these challenges can add up to being perceived as aloof and standoffish. However, as these are only subjective opinions.
Thank you for joining me today. We’ll continue with more in our next video. See you then.