Adult Asperger’s Video 14. Living in a Bubble – Living with Asperger’s Forming Relationships (Part 2)
My name’s Anthony King and welcome back to my video series about mild autism spectrum disorder in adults based on my book “Living in a Bubble”. Let’s continue from where we left off in our last video together…
Some of us with ASD can be perceived as being “loners” or “recluses”. While this may be true – it is not always the case. It gets complicated because these behavioural patterns of being detached from other people and social relationships, choosing activities to do on their own or without people around are common traits in ASD sufferers. Some people do actively seek out and prefer these types of situations to social ones, which gives an impression of “coldness” compounded by the fact that somebody on the spectrum is indeed happy to be alone compared to a scary social environment. All of this adds to the “aloof” and “standoffish” label and perception. It can cause problems at work, in the office and especially in personal and romantic relationships. The trouble is not that people with ASD often experience problems in expressing internal feelings and emotions, such as through facial expressions or through speaking. This compounds the challenge because we can’t often then perceive the situation accurately, leading to us closing down and the situation spiralling to isolation and intentional withdrawal to try and ease the discomfort and pain. When a partner or friend tries to comfort or interject, it might even cause more problems because then the security blanket that has been created by withdrawal is violated causing more stress and discomfort. This can propagate into a vicious cycle and, instead of understanding it, it’s easy for some people to just say, “That person is rude and standoffish.” However, there is much more than meets the eye going on here.
Tips and Advice
When engaging in relationships of any kind we want to have a sort of compatibility, which means that we want to be able to function and work together. However, if you think about, how many relationships actually function efficiently? Well, I’ve just had a look at the marriage and divorce statistics in the UK and I’m actually a little shocked. It shows that in 2012 there were 262,240 marriages, which was good you’d think, right? Wrong! In the same year, there were 118,140 divorces! That is an absolute tragedy! The point is that people, generally don’t have basic compatibility that often. The failure rate is disgraceful. I have tried to look at the statistics for marriages where one of the partners has ASD but there is nothing conclusive and, either way, 50% failure rate is terrible, ASD or not – so let’s just look at it as it is. We, collectively, are pretty rubbish when it comes to compatibility and marriage (overall). One interesting opportunity for a relationship where one has ASD is the opportunity for self-reflection. People on the spectrum often ask themselves more questions and have an understanding of the way they think than people not on the spectrum in my opinion. This means that there may be an opportunity to cultivate compatibility and understand using ASD as a vehicle. Any relationship is a challenge and as ASD relationship is no different! I believe that if we choose our partners more wisely, we can increase the likelihood of successful relationships. There are always exceptions, but these are my thoughts from my personal life experience. In life there are always exceptions so take these as they are, just my thoughts, based on my personal experience:
1) Compatibility
If you are on the spectrum and would ideally like to be with a partner, if you choose to be in a relationship, who has a) Intelligence to understand what ASD is b) Empathy to stand back and appreciate how it is for you. c) Kindness – Guiding and Loving to help with the challenges of day to day living. d) Stable, Secure and Strong enough to be your rock. Insecure people can often exacerbate problems. e) Mature and Grounded in Reality – you don’t need someone with their own complex dramas. Don’t use your brain power to decode the manipulation, communication and personality problems of others! f) Principled, Loyal, Honest – this is self-explanatory. People on the spectrum aren’t usually sophisticated and manipulative. I found that I had no chance of interacting with seasoned experts of manipulation and dishonesty. g) Patient, Insightful, Non-reactive – they need to know what to do and know not to exacerbate the problem, let it calm down and analyse and resolve later. They can’t be explosive and reactive because it just doesn’t work. h) Forgiving: you don’t need someone who holds grudges. You need to build trust by letting things go.
2) Don’t take any nonsense – red flags!
Acknowledge and make a determination about ALL potential red flags from DAY 1! Use Google, use your friends and get advice. Make a determination early on and if the red flags are major enough, end the relationship or tone it down until trust has been built. Have respect in yourself and don’t ignore warning signs because you think you can’t get better!
3) Better to be alone and try and be happy than with a dysfunctional destructive person!
You CAN be happy without a partner! So work on yourself and be happy and then you will be more likely to meet a partner who is closer to where you are. Better to wait and enter a healthy relationship with somebody who is compatible.
4) Start with friends and build from there.
Don’t jump right in. If you’re new to relationships, start slowly with friendships and then build slowly over time. This is the safest way and this way you will have a stronger relationship. It takes time to understand each other and takes time to understand ASD – invest the time and you will reap the rewards later.
5) To achieve a successful relationship, a person also needs to understand and respect themselves
Ask yourself whether you honestly respect and understand yourself. If the answer is “no”, try to resolve this within you before aiming for a relationship.
6) Official diagnosis can make a difference in your relationship
Official diagnosis can help your partner better understand, acknowledge and face certain difficulties. There might be an element of denial so if it comes from an expert, then that will help them rationalise it, especially if they feel that they have experienced hurtful or indifferent behaviour.
7) Communication and acceptance
Once you have an official diagnosis you need to communicate with your partner and make a plan of action. Both parties should have a good understanding of ASD and how relationships are affected by it. It’s important that both partners make a serious commitment to making the relationship work.
8) Take the initiative and self-advocate
It’s important that you know your boundaries concerning what is acceptable and unacceptable and communicating them, in a polite and respectful way to your friends and peers. Remember that, generally speaking, people will respect you if you speak clearly and honestly. If you find it hard to do this face to face, you can even email or write a polite note. However, verbal communication often works better.
10) Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy is a form of treatment which can focus on increasing general coping mechanisms, improving social interaction, wellbeing, communication and self-esteem. They can help look at your life and help understand better your compulsions and personality. This can be very helpful. The more information you have about anything, including yourself, the better you can address challenges and issues and possibly identify a solution. Another good thing about psychotherapy is that you can speak with an expert who can give you a summary of his thoughts in writing.
11) Trusted friends are your guardians
Don’t ever forget that your trusted friends are also your guardians and helpers. They are on your side. They are a valuable resource and help – don’t let these wonderful people and their insights go to waste! Vice Versa – you can help them too, maybe in other ways.
12) Make it a habit to listen more
Be the light and a good friend to somebody else! Make it a habit to learn to listen and listen for real! Be valuable to your friends and people that you know. This way, they will appreciate you and help you and you will feel rewarded and valued.
13) Being in a relationship
Being in a relationship with an ASD is hard at times because ALL relationships are hard. Bear this in mind and give your partner a break sometimes. Educate yourself on being empathetic. Remember that if you are on the spectrum you might very well have challenges with perception, which means that you might be able to learn from your partner’s criticisms because they might be right!
14) Partners with unresolved childhood trauma or abuse unwilling to address them
The late veteran family therapist, Peter K. Gerlach, MSW said something that I totally relate to. He suggests that individuals with unresolved childhood trauma or abuse have a very tough time building a healthy relationship with other people with unresolved childhood trauma and abuse. He suggests that if both partners are willing to address issues then a successful relationship is possible, however, if only one is willing to address themselves and not the other, than there is a very large chance of almost certain breakdown and destructive behaviour in the relationship. Consequently, I suggest that you pick a partner who is healthy for you who you can work together with in the spirit of truth and honestly. If your partner doesn’t accept their faults and challenges and express some desire to change and resolve them, then you should consider whether that person is right for you.
Thank you for joining me today. We’ll continue with more in our next video. See you then.