Adult Asperger’s Video 15. Living in a Bubble – Living with Asperger’s Coping with Loneliness
My name’s Anthony King and welcome back to my video series about mild autism spectrum disorder in adults based on my book “Living in a Bubble”. Let’s continue from where we left off in our last video together…
Living with Asperger’s Coping with Loneliness
I’m aware of the pain of this subject and the pain it causes you. There are personal insights that I want to share with you but it’s not appropriate in this form that can help. You can find them in the book though. In addition to today’s video; in the final 2 videos of of this serious I’m going to have more help on this subject.
Advice and Tips
1) Face your fears head on
This will take effort and energy. You need to make a conscious choice, accept in advance, that this will be a challenge and embrace it. Educate yourself in social ways! Read personal development books and self-help books. Read every positive thinking book you can and condition yourself to be positive – what have you got to lose? What you think at this moment is not all that exists and things can and will change. Take baby steps and build a social experience filled with positive interaction. Give it time but make small progressions and move in the right direction. Don’t be harsh on yourself and remember that people on the spectrum do sometimes have serious challenges in this department but that you are not alone because MANY people have this challenge. We all interact with the world and although you may feel like an alien at times, even you, still interact with the world. It’s about choice. Let’s choose action!
2) Friends, family and acquaintances are key
You must force yourself, if it is hard, to interact with your friends, family and acquaintances socially. This means that you need to be open to things that you don’t naturally like or want to do. You might not like going out with friends but you have a goal to achieve and you are training yourself every time you go out and interact with them. Explain to your friends that you need their help and encouragement. Bring them in on the plan. In fact ask a friend to become an almost “mentor” that will encourage you.
3) Be honest with people whilst “practising and rehearsing”
If you go out with your friends see it as practice and a rehearsal. This technique might help and you might even enjoy yourself if you detach yourself slightly in this way! Ask your friends to speak with people and to guide you. In fact if you talk with somebody with a friend and it does not go the way you intended or you make a mistake or say something wrong, then your friend can help, along with yourself and explain to the person that you have ASD and that you are trying to expand developmentally and practise your social skills by talking to people. Most people (not all), but most, will be kind and understanding and even very willing to help. No matter what response you get, it is valuable practice in interacting with people – this is a good thing. Remember that this is a long-term development, it won’t happen straight away. You will see that, over time, you will gain confidence and get better socially and then, as if almost miraculously, you’ll be more likely to start enjoying yourself! Just remember one thing – be kind and be authentic. Even if you say to someone, “I feel really scared right now because I’m not used to speaking with people”, I promise you, you will be shocked at the reply – people are kinder than you think when you are honest with them.
4) Hang out with people with similar interests
You might feel slightly more comfortable around people who like the same things as you. You, at the very least, have that common bond which can be a catalyst for further communication and interaction.
5) Strict rule – move outside your comfort zone regularly!
You have to push boundaries. Do so in a controlled way. Say, once a week – go to a bar with a friend. Yes, you might hate it or feel uncomfortable… at first… but you need to get out and this type of activity will help. Do something you don’t want to do socially – just do it! You will survive, so you can afford to push and expand your horizons. Completely disregard how you feel. Let’s say you go out (reluctantly) once a week. That’s fifty-two occasions. You’re guaranteed to have fun and meet people on at least ONE of those fifty-two occasions!
6) Strict rule – go outside once a day
You MUST leave the house, even for fifteen minutes – once a day. You must try and interact with the world. You can walk around the park and don’t have to speak with anyone. Just absorb the environment, breath the air. Touch the grass or a tree – just connect with the environment outside your own house. This is very important and will protect you mentally as well as build up a kind of resistance and strength.
7) Methods of communication
Utilise all methods of communication, including letters, email, phone – any way to connect. Remember that often the key is the intention and meaning behind the interaction. If you have social issues, you can use these methods to connect and build trust before you talk in the flesh and interact physically. Communication, especially daily, means that you are expanding and growing.
8) Listen to others
As I said before: learn to listen. If you listen to people’s problems with real care they will want to interact with you more. If you’re quiet and ask them questions about themselves and listen, you will learn so much about them and they will be attracted to you.
9) Social media holidays
Take a day or two a week off from social media. Social media is not reality and often not healthy for our self esteem. People are faking it and projecting a false impression of themselves often and if you are on the spectrum you might fall into the trap of comparison and believing their nonsense. Believe me, it’s nonsense most of the time and they are just as unhappy and insecure as you. Disengage and unplug for a couple of days a week. It will do wonders for you. Replace it with a positive book or even meeting up with a real life friend.
Thank you for joining me today. We’ll continue with more in our next video. See you then.