Adult Asperger’s Video 6. Living in a Bubble – How to Tell People
My name’s Anthony King and welcome back to my video series about mild autism spectrum disorder in adults based on my book “Living in a Bubble”. Let’s continue from where we left off in our last video together…
How to Tell People
As a follow-on from our previous time together, I felt the need to show you how best to let those around you know of your diagnosis – because it’s not always easy. There is a saying, “You can’t unring the bell” and it means that once it’s out, it’s out. If I could go back in time I would do things differently. I hope you can learn from my mistakes. If you suspect that you have ASD then there is no real need to tell anybody, except your partner or parents and I’d suggest you keep it as quiet as possible until you know. Once your diagnosis has been confirmed it’s very important to think objectively and consider the impact any disclosure might have. When you find out about your diagnosis, you might feel excitement at finding an answer to a whole lifetime of confusion and questions. So, you’d think that the most obvious thing would be to tell everybody. Well, in theory, I wish this were true. However, you need to protect yourself at this vulnerable time. You’d expect people to be happy for you and non-judgemental and helpful, but the reality might be quite different. You need to first prepare yourself to be exposed to some disgraceful, hurtful and inappropriate comments. The world is full of wonderful people and it’s also full of ignorant, evil and stupid people. You need to really think this through and do it in a controlled way which safeguards and respects your emotional wellbeing and works for your own advantage. This will be a very emotional time and you don’t need to add potentially avoidable problems. Realistically you need to accept that some people will be uncomfortable with the disclosure. This comes from within them. You may notice that they treat you differently. This can go both ways. For example, my work colleague and another individual I worked with treated me amazingly well! I saw the most positive way they changed towards me. They were more accommodating and sensitive towards me and it really helped me in a tough time. It’s almost like they gave me a little bit more leeway and that really helped me. On the other hand, people may tell you to your face that it makes no difference but still alter their behaviour towards you. Some people will label you and you need to consider this before exposing yourself to it… you need to be ready!
Who to tell
I think you should tell who you want but just make sure you understand the consequences of doing so. Some people will tell everybody and others will only tell close friends and family. It depends on you. You probably want to tell your close friends and family. I would suggest that you tell your immediate managerial colleagues because they might need to make adjustments in the work environment that can really benefit you. There is no need to tell your other colleagues right away because, what will you gain? Consider waiting for your emotions to settle down and then making an informed decision. There may be very real negative connotations and implications, from bullying to discrimination, so go slowly and consult with close friends and family. Ultimately, do what you feel is right and comfortable for you after considering the options carefully.
What to say
You could tell people directly with the words “I’ve been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder” or in any way you feel comfortable. Remember, that they probably won’t know what it is so you might need to have a follow up explanation. Have something short prepared. Another thing is to be prepared to hear some crazy things. It will often start with “you don’t have that” or “you don’t look like you have it”. Remember, that often they are just saying words without fully engaging their brains; they feel compelled to say something. It would often be better for them to say nothing but unfortunately that usually is not the case.
When to tell
If you are working in an official capacity, I suggest that you inform your employer as soon as you can. You might want to do so via an email. I think this is a great way because it cuts out any potential awkwardness and gives them time to consider the email and respond appropriately. It also gives you a chance to construct an email that you are comfortable with. Do not under any circumstances use Facebook or social media. It should be a face to face meeting or another way which emphasises the seriousness of the situation i.e. they should listen to what you are saying in a respectful manner and give you an appropriate thoughtful response. Another thing to consider is that you are protecting yourself by telling your employer in case of an incident down the line. Tell them in advance in the right way so that you can be sure that they understand and the message has got through. Family members and friends may indeed not respond in a way that you anticipate. They might inadvertently be rude. Many were to me without realising it. Expect no apology because they “know not what they say”, in the words of a very wise man.
Why I am telling and what to expect
Ultimately, this is such an important question. Think about this before you tell them. What are you expecting them to say? Do you want comfort? Do you want understanding? Do you want empathy? Do you want a change of behaviour? Do you want their acceptance? Do you want their support? Have you considered that you might not get these things? You can’t force somebody to respond in a certain way. You must consider these questions because you will probably be let down by a lot of people who you’d not expected, unfortunately. This is the moment where you need to connect with your inner strength. It will be hard but it’s easier if prepared.
Crazy reactions
When you can’t see it on the outside, is it real? This is the way some people think, so expect odd reactions and insensitivity by some people. Some people just don’t know how to act appropriately and in a respectful manner – it’s got nothing to do with ASD or anything else. Don’t take it personally – just be prepared.
Positive reactions
When I told my friend, Nicky, she just listened. She was perfect. She said she would go home and educate herself about it. This was wonderful. No unnecessary words or foolishness. Simon, my best friend, just said that he was with me as did many others. Natasha works in schools and knew exactly what to say. Others said, “Thank you for trusting me with this”. I’m so impressed by these people. It says a lot about them. I’m grateful to them. In the tough times you see who your real friends are and in my tough time, these people stood tall and it is my privilege to know them.
Thank you for joining me today. We’ll continue with more in our next video. See you then.